


Feel Something

by Gellsbells



Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: 3x03, Angst, F/M, First Kiss, Gen, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 22:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15059426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gellsbells/pseuds/Gellsbells
Summary: A short drabble/missing scene, for episode 3x03.Mattie finds herself unable to sleep, the guilt of day zero weighing heavily on her, after her kiss with Leo.





	Feel Something

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoy. This is my first attempt at writing for this pairing so I am still getting my head around writing these characters.

Mattie wants to let herself enjoy this moment. To revel in the gentle tickle of his breath against the back of her neck, the weight of his arm draped over her torso and the gentle rise and fall of his chest against her back.

But she can’t seem to silence the nagging voice at the back of her mind. The part, her conscience perhaps, that asks her if it was worth it. Was it worth the chaos that she set upon the world for this moment. That she should not feel comfort, or happiness. That she is not worthy of the relief that being this close, this intimate, brings.

She looks again at her phone on the bedside table, 5.00am, and still no sleep. She knows the rest of the house will begin it’s routine soon. Her mum rushing to get ready, herself pouring cereal for Sophie, Toby doing as little as possible. The house will be a flurry of activity before they leave and it is just her, Leo and the nagging voice that resides in her own mind.

She should wake him. Allow him the time to sneak back into the loft where they made up a bed for him. She doesn’t need the looks from her mum, the teasing from her brother, or even, the excitement from Sophie. Not when she doesn’t even know herself what _this_ is.

She knows she wants it to be more, than just an attempt to find companionship, to find solace in a world where neither feel that they belong. To drown out the loneliness and guilt. But she has hoped before, and now she doesn’t even know if something happy, something good, is what she deserves.

She decides to be selfish once again, to allow herself to feel his presence in her bed, instead of waking him.

She replays Leo’s words over again and again in her mind. Maybe she should stop the self pity, focus on the good that has come out of her actions. The freedom that she has created for the synths in this world.

But then again, the humans just created new slaves.Had she even changed anything. 

She shifts in the bed to face him, moving slowly in an attempt not to wake him.

Her gaze shifts to his parted lips and she remembers the way they feel against her own.

The kiss had been unexpected. She had busied herself tidying up her room, while chastising herself for letting her emotions get the better of her and confessing her feelings to him. Feelings that had been kept hidden from him for so long.

And then his lips were on hers. It was a brief kiss. A peck really. But to her, it was everything. She had searched his eyes, looking for a hint, a clue as to what was going on in his head, and was met with the insensity in his stare.

She opened her mouth to say something, but then found herself leaning in to kiss him again. Pouring everything that she had into it.

She reaches out her fingers brushing an unkempt curl away from his forehead. He stirs and she snaps her hand back. Immediately regretting breaking his moment of peace for her own wants.

She goes to turn back over but his arms wrap around her, keeping her in place.

His eyes open slowly and there is a glimpse of confusion before he tightens his hold and she allows herself to relax in his arms, unable to deny herself this feeling of comfort.

“Sorry,” she murmurs, and a small smile crosses his lips and she feels an immediate relief.

“It’s okay.” His voice is still heavy with sleep and his eyes close again, as he rests his forehead against her own. “I like this.”

She does too.

She allows herself to close her eyes and listens to his slow breathing and wonders whether he has fallen back asleep, before her thoughts inevitably drift back to day zero.

“You’re thinking about it again,” his whisper breaks the silence within her room, and she nods in response. His hand cups her faces and she wills her eyes to open, knowing she will only find compassion and understanding, but refuses instead.

And then his lips are pressed against hers again. They are soft and chapped at the same time. Gentle, yet strong. She finds herself responding, allowing herself to lose herself to have, just a brief respite.

To be loved, despite what she has done. To feel something other than the deep, overwhelming guilt inside of her.

Maybe if she can feel this much, allow this feeling to enter her heart, to overwhelm her, she can drown out that voice, at least for a while.


End file.
